I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
my mouth tastes like poor choices
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
