Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
