Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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