My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
