Fuck appropriateness.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
