yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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