dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Well I just put wine in my tea
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
