Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize