her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
