I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
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She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
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I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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