Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
