The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize