The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
