can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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