I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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