And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
