I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
