Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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