My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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