i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
