Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
