I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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