I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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