who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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