tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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