i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
