after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
So many bounce houses so little time
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
