three words: i give head
three words: not that well
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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