There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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