mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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