I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
