Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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