he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Randomize
