i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
