I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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