new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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