I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
