I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
