On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
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