The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
