We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
