Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
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