He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
