True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
