Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
it's great music for shaving your balls
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
