I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
