I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
