Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
