It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
