I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Randomize
