So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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