I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
