Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
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I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
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His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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