dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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